the clearing of thoughts.
current mood: indescribable
I'm so confused about life.
I'm so happy for myself for staying in and watching a movie and only having one drink and not smoking. I'm happy to be by myself and too of got upset over somthing that affects my mother very deeply and too think that maybe I felt something of what she felt. Sometimes I just need to cry and feel sober and go to bed at 11:30 and have no plans. I did things by myself today and that felt good, even though it was because everyone else was unavailable. I need more nights like this, of comtimplation and solitude. I feel so sick of life.
My friends keep falling for me and I have to make up excuses after they confess their love and then our relationships are ruined and we can't hang out like we use too. Though I always pretend nothing has happened, I know everytime they look at me their thinking of a way to fuck me. I'm just so happy I didn't end up going over to his house, where the fact that I have my period would be something that I would be forced into confessing. Things like this make me sick and it always brings me back to thinking of Chris, and how he's doing, and what he's like now and how he feels inside. Makes me so sad too think that I was in love but I made a mistake and I lost it forever. Makes me even sadder that I can't even have him in my life anymore, not even in the slightest. I just want to reach out to him and tell him I'm sorry and I've thought about it now and that I'm just really really sorry.
There are more serious things but it's hard living with so much regret and still hurting from rejection and knowing that you put those same feelings into others. But the future is still opitimistic. And maybe in the future all these problems will be fixed and they will all say sorry and I will say sorry and it'll work out.